. . . And Let God Sort Them Out! | The Whirlpool

. . . And Let God Sort Them Out! | The Whirlpool

January 27, 2020 49 By Kailee Schamberger


Welcome back to The Whirlpool, where fibs
and fabrications are pulled under and drowned. I’m Michael Whirly. Once again the world finds itself on the brink
of war, and once again — surprise, surprise — it’s all the fault of a bunch of Muslims
over there in the Middle East. While it is a fact that every religion other
than the scripture-based, divinely guided Catholicism of the One True Church is heretical
and wrong, reasonable people can agree that of all those wrong religions, the most wrong
is Islam, a faith beset by sectarianism, threatened by extremism, and rooted in unprovable claims
and scientific, historical and philosophical teachings which are dubious and centuries
out of date. Thank God none of those problems have ever
been associated with Christianity! And as we thank God for that, let us also
thank him for finally providing us with a leader who is willing and able to stand up
to the tyranny and blasphemy of Islam: the High President of the United States, His Excellency
Donald John Trump. While the rest of the world foolishly pursues
peace and denuclearization, President Trump has chosen to strike first — for once — and
cut off the head of the snake, Iranian general Qasem Soleimani, a bad man who has done bad
things and who was planning to do a really bad thing very soon, which won’t be done
now because His Excellency President Trump had him killed. The Trump administration has not seen fit
to share any details about what sort of attack Soleimani was planning, why killing him at
that particular place and time was necessary, or how killing him prevented that planned
attack, but to any members of the public or the United States Congress who feel entitled
to such information, I say this: the President told us it was necessary. That’s all we need to know. As it is written in Proverbs 3:5, “Have
confidence in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not upon thy own prudence.” And if you’re questioning whether or not
President Trump deserves the benefit of the doubt on this one, look at the man’s track
record. I think it speaks for itself. When I see His Excellency President Trump
conducting his take-no-prisoners foreign policy, I can’t help but be reminded of my own father. His philosophy on how the United States should
respond to threats from the Middle East was always the same, no matter where or when he
expressed it — in the car conversing with the radio, screaming at my liberal social
studies teacher on parents’ night, muttering in his sleep at the dinner table — “Kill
them all, and let God sort them out!” My father’s godly wisdom is obvious — who
better than God to solve the problem of how to achieve peace in the Middle East? After all, it was God who first attempted
to unite the people of that region thousands of years ago, when he revealed his true word
to one particular tribe and ordered them to go out and forcibly convert their neighbors,
all of whom practiced false but similar religions. His chosen people failed him back then, which
is why he eventually had to come down and do it himself, but the solution to the problem
is the same today as it was back then. If the people of Iran are unhappy with the
treatment they’ve been receiving from the United States, we should escalate their complaint
through the chain of command and allow them to take it up with the manager — in person. Hello, faithful Whirlpool viewer. Once again, here I am asking for your support
in helping to keep The Whirlpool going, and once again I have to face the very likely
possibility that no such support will be coming. I must tell you, I find it very hard to believe
that not a single one of you is an entrepreneur with a business to promote, or even a private
investor who has heard the call of the Holy Ghost to aid in the spreading of God’s holy
message. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think
my audience was mostly snarky atheists and leftists having a laugh at my expense on their
way to Hell, and conservative Christians so unsettled by fear of social change that they
cling to this show more out of some sad, desperate need for validation than genuine conviction. But of course, that’s ridiculous. Nevertheless, there are still bills to pay,
and so I come to you with yet another offer. For a limited time, I am selling boxed sets
of all three of my best-selling books for one low price. That price is $69.95, and for that you get
my first book, America Is Invincible, first published in August 2001; my second book,
Oh, Bomb a Nation: How We Take Back the White House in 2012, and my third and most recent
book, from 2015: God’s Chosen One: Why Rick Santorum Is the Next President of the United
States — written, obviously, before the fullness of Our Heavenly Father’s plan had
been revealed, but still containing page after page of the timeless wisdom and keen wit you’ve
come to associate with me. Again, this is a limited time offer, and supplies
are limited, also, as I am drawing upon my private stock for this sale. These books have been out of print ever since
my publisher, the Staples in West Hazleton, went out of business, which makes them collectors
items! So act now and buy your copies of The Michael
Whirly Library, before it’s too late for both of us! Of course there are those clueless, self-proclaimed
Christians who would argue that God does not want us to make war, that Jesus Christ was
the Prince of Peace. If you are one of those people, my only advice
is to read your Bible. In there, you will find that Christ says quite
clearly, in the Gospel of St. Matthew 10:34, “I came not to send peace, but the sword.” Today, of course, by the grace of Our Heavenly
Father, we have upgraded from swords to firearms, and those modern day swords are wielded by
God’s modern day chosen people: we Americans who have pledged ourselves with gratitude
and obedience to the service of our divinely chosen leader, His Excellency President Trump. He is God’s general in this holy war, and
we are his loyal and fearless soldiers. Some may protest my describing us as God’s
new chosen people, but to those cowardly counterfeit Christians, I say: examine the evidence. What better proof do you need that we, the
followers of the One True Church and His Excellency President Trump, are the chosen people than
Our Lord Jesus Christ himself, who, despite being a first century Middle Eastern Jew,
looked and sounded exactly like a modern American with significant and recent northern European
ancestry? That, my friends, is a miracle that cannot
be explained, except by faith. And indeed, in these perilous times, it is
faith and faith alone that will see us through and allow Our Heavenly Father’s will to
be done here and in all four corners of the world. Only then will we truly have peace. As it is written in the Book of Romans, Chapter
5: “Being justified therefore by faith, let us have peace with God, through our Lord
Jesus Christ.” In other words, when we have carried out God’s
will and all his earthly enemies have been defeated — the heretics, the blasphemers,
the worshippers of false gods — there will be peace, and it will be the just and lasting
peace of God, a peace that only we, his chosen people, will be able to enjoy, because we
will be the only ones left. Those of us who survive, that is. I have faith I will live to see it. I can hardly wait to find out who else makes
it. God bless America, God bless our president,
and to Hell with everyone else. For The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.