Fading Dreams: Candidate Reintegration Center | The Daily Show

Fading Dreams: Candidate Reintegration Center | The Daily Show

February 29, 2020 78 By Kailee Schamberger


♪ ♪ LYDIC:
Welcome to Fading Dreams, Candidate Reintegration Center. Here at Fading Dreams, we help
former presidential candidates like you integrate back
into society and learn how to talk and act
like a normal person. You don’t need this, right? Looks great without it.
Look. LYDIC: We’ll help you with
that difficult transition from candidate
to just some person. Just like you,
I want a health care system that works for all Americans… rich and poor. CHIENG:
Sir! Sir! I just asked you
what you want for lunch. Oh. Um… I’d like the burrito. Very good. Next? Burrito! LYDIC:
Our award-winning program will teach you
how not to be a weirdo. So just because I have a baby doesn’t mean
you need to kiss it. -But I need the photo op.
-Oh, no, no. Uh-uh.
No, you don’t. Remember?
You dropped out of the race because you were polling below
Bill de Blasio. Remember that? Yeah, no. (grunts) No! Our candidates stay
in secure dorms which are regularly checked
for contraband. -What’s this?
-That’s… That’s not mine. Oh. That’s how you want
to play this, huh? Maybe I should read you
your poll numbers. No! I’ll be good. -One percent among likely
voters. -Oh, gross. At Fading Dreams, we’re able
to turn political has-beens into their political
has-best selves. But don’t just take
our word for it, listen to some
of our satisfied clients. Fading Dreams taught me
I don’t have to shake hands with everyone wherever I go. I still do, but that’s just
because I love shaking hands. It’s a separate problem
I’m working on. Fading Dreams taught me
I didn’t have to be president. They also taught me how to make
some cool macaroni art. It’s a kitty. LYDIC: At Fading Dreams, we’ll
put you on the road to recovery and the results,
they speak for themselves. Mmm. Corn. I love corn. This corn looks so good. I… I… I don’t want to eat corn. WOMAN: But what about
the voters in Iowa? (bleep) Iowa. (gasping) Yeah. (bleep) Iowa. Ha-ha. Robert? You’re cured. -Ah.
-(applause) Johnson! Johnson! ALL (chanting): Johnson!
Johnson! Johnson! Johnson! So come to Fading Dreams. We’ll make you normal again. MAN: We need more guys
like you in charge. You’re right.
I’m gonna run for president. God damn it. Take him down. Hey! (cheers and applause)