He’s Leaving Home | Black Books | Season 1 Episode 6 | Dead Parrot

He’s Leaving Home | Black Books | Season 1 Episode 6 | Dead Parrot

January 18, 2020 66 By Kailee Schamberger


Subtitles – Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy – Part of the [RL] Crew – Oh, Jesus!
– Yes, you’ve been caught! – What sort of time do you call this?
– It’s only midnight. Where were you? Quickly – no lies. – Out with some friends.
– Friends? Out? With? Some? Let me smell your breath. I thought so! Chips!
Where are my chips? Your clothes are all rumpled!
Is that lipstick on your beard? Here I am, worrying myself
away into a stick and you’re scoffing chips
from some tart’s lap! Where’s my tart?!
I want chips and tarts! – Get up them stairs!
– You’re not the king of me! – I can go out if I want!
– Look here! Maybe other boys who work
in bookshops do what they want. But under my roof
you abide by my rules! This isn’t Waterstone’s. I wish I’d never been born! Manny! Stop singing in the bath! (Manny) I’m not in the bath,
I’m on the toilet. Who sings on the toilet?
Stop singing on the toilet! I’m probably getting a lot
of secondary smoke from you. Don’t worry about it.
Get me a drink sometime. (Manny) Are there any customers in? No. (Singing happily) (Phone) Hello? What? Yes, hang on. Friend of yours. Some woman. Oh, right. Hello? Oh, hiya. No! He didn’t?! Did…? He didn’t?! Oh… He was definitely
looking at you. He was! Oh, yes. (Laughs) Who is this?! What age are you?! 30? Is there something
wrong with you?! He can’t talk,
he has to do his chores. I can’t believe you did that.
You’re so rude! Manny! – Oh, hi…
– Not you – Manny. Manny! Look – look! – Yeah?
– Yeah. – “Penelope Learmouth-Tonk.”
– Ha. “At home in her graceful mansion…” Why can’t we talk about something
we’re all interested in? Hey, you know what? Last week,
remember when I thought I had piles? It was just Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Aaa… nd back to the magazine! That’s it! Manny has lots to do.
Thank you, Fran. Bye-bye. – It’s important!
– You, Imperial Leather – work. Right, you, Hawkwind – back to work. Nothing to do. There’s plenty to do.
Splishy-splashy, come on. (Tuts) What did you do that for? It’s stupid and dangerous.
You’ll have somebody’s eye out. Hurry up and sweep up, will you? (# Heavy metal) – Bernard!
– (Music stops) (Music starts) (Music stops) (Phone) Manny! Manny, phone! Man… I’ll get it, shall I? Hello? – Bernard, hello?
– Manny, the phone was ringing! I’m running away.
I left you a note – did you not see? Running away? Note? Did? See?
What are you talking about? It’s right in front of you. – Why are you running away?
– The note will explain everything. It’s nearly a page,
just give me the gist of it. Well, I made a photocopy, so yes. “Dear Bernard, by the time
you read this I will be gone. “You will never hear my voice again. “I will never write or phone
or attempt to get in touch with you. “The reason is that you’ve been
really nasty to me recently. “I think I’m old enough
to make my own way in the world “and if you think that I’m…”
A bee! (Yelling) (Manny, yelling)
‘There’s a bee! Get…! ‘ (Glass smashes) ‘I’ve put my arm through the glass!
Get off! Get off! ‘ Manny? ‘It’s bleeding!
God, someone help me! (Screams)’ (Pips) ‘Wait, I’ll put in more money!
There we go. ‘Agh! The bee’s on my head!
Get it off! ‘Wait, wait, someone’s coming.
Oh, thank you. ‘What? No, no, get off!
Bernard! I’m being mugged! – ‘Send help! Send… Agh! ‘
– (Dial tone) Where’s Manny? Not here. Well, how can I find him? You could become a terrible event
and happen to him. I really wanted
to tell him this thing. What’s all this telling Manny
everything business? Tell me. No, you won’t get it. – No, I will. Come on.
– OK. – Apparently…
– Yeah. – David Beckham…
– The footballer! – Yes…
– Big smile, black guy, chat show. See? You won’t get this. I know. Sorry. He cried during the
World Cup and now he sells crisps. Do you know nothing about
modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon. I mean… Pac Man. It’s pronounced Pac Man. Forget it. Where is Manny? – Oh, he quit.
– He quit? Quite funny, actually, he rang to say
he quit and he was in a phone box, and there was this bee,
and he put his arm through the glass and he was bleeding and everything and then he got mugged. Just like that –
the bee, the bleeding and the mugger. (Laughs) So we should help him. And, um, it’s just that
we’re a little bit worried. Yeah. I’m frantic. He left after being shouted at by… She spoilt it.
She’s always talking to him. Giving him little things to eat. How
will he learn about the real world? If anything happened to him… – Derek, could you do a tea run?
– Sure. – Can I get you anything?
– Oh, I’d love a glass of white. As long as it’s not Chardonnay. Er, well, no, it’s tea or coffee,
I’m afraid. (Fran) No, thanks. Right, can you describe Manny? Um… He’s… “Help fight crime, dial 999.” Is it 999 because
it rhymes with “crime”? I really think you should start
taking this seriously. Manny could have a tough time
on the streets. Now, can you describe him, please? – Yeah, he’s…
– He’s a pain in the hole. (Thud) He’s small, he’s got a lot of hair. And he’s got a sort of goatee thing. – What, a beard?
– Yeah. Just how old is your son? Oh, he’s not our son.
No, he’s, what? About 32, 33. Yeah, yeah. (# Harry Nilsson:
Everybody’s Talkin’) # Everybody’s talkin’ at me # I don’t hear a word they’re sayin’ # Only the echoes of my mind # People stop and stare and # I can’t see their faces # Only the shadows of their eyes # I’m goin’ where the sun
keeps shinin’ # Through the pourin’ rain # Goin’ where the weather
suits my clothes # – (Italian accent) Come in.
– I won’t stay long… I’ll just get some water. Water? No, what you need
is a nice wine. A nice glass of wine for you, huh? – You like wine?
– Uh, yeah. You like wine? Wine is nice. (Chuckling) Wine is very nice, yes. A nice glass of wine for you. Oh, well, someone serving me drinks.
That’s a new experience. All right, all right. – Oh…
– No, sit down, sit down… So, uh, you like my clothes? I get you clothes just like it.
You want a bath? Or some chicken? We can watch The Simpsons –
that’s so funny and cool. – Funny.
– Yeah. – So you’re a photographer?
– Yeah, I do a lot of things. I take pictures, I sell ice cream… I do a little work for…
You know CIA? – Yes.
– Them. Can I feel your beard? – Er, sorry?
– Your beard. Can I feel it? Er, um, uh, no, I don’t think so. No funny stuff. Nothing “weird”. Um… Oh, OK. That’s good. Stay still. (Sighs) – Is good beard.
– Yeah? Yeah. Oh, is…
is like a little bird. (Hoots like an owl) – Do you use oils?
– No. You should. It’s wonderful…
The colours, it’s auburn… Ginger, too. It’s got everything. Come on, come here, stand here. – What?
– It’s going to be fun. Just there – good, good.
Stay still – look at the camera. And… again. – What?
– Give me emotion. Give me happy! – Ooh!
– That’s good. You’ve done this before, eh? OK, I need something… You are lost doggie
in crowded funfair. (Yelps) Manny was something else. You don’t meet
someone like him every day. I met him every day. I met him all day
and all night every day. Today’s one of the few days
I haven’t met him. And he still wrote to me and rang me.
I’m expecting a fax any minute. But, yes, I know, it’s all… it’s very… Yeah… It’s just so… But cheer up,
it’s just the two of us now! – No offence or anything.
– That used to be enough. You just don’t wanna do anything fun. – I like fun! I can do fun.
– Yeah? You want fun? OK! I haven’t come to talk,
I just forgot… Oh, no, Bernard. What “no”? Check it out. No, no… No. – It’s fun!
– Oh, no, Bernard. – No…
– I’m fun, now. – No, no…
– Look! Mouths! “Hello, Fran. How are you?” Cocktail sausage? Come on! Let’s have a party! We’ll go and see a gig –
it’s a long time since I’ve been. – Let’s go and see The Skids.
– Bernard… – Do you like pina colada?
– Bernard. – And walking in the rain?
– Bernard. – I am into champagne.
– Oh, stop, you’re just… – (Sobs)
– Fran, come on, that’s enough! Come on! – You drove him away!
– Stop blaming me! Just let me in, Fran, let me in.
Don’t lock me out, let me in! What are you talking about? I’m being… upset. You know. You tortured him.
You wouldn’t let him eat Frosties. They make so much noise! If he’d wait one minute
to let the milk sink in – but no! – And you hated his beard.
– I kept finding it everywhere! You said he had a funny smell. He did!
He had a living beetroot smell! – Who do I have to talk to now?
– Me! Remember me? – I was here way before him!
– You don’t talk. You just sit there and scowl
and smoke and make hurtful remarks. You used to love my hurtful remarks! You just sit there
and you snipe and sneer and you moan, you carp and you complain,
you damn and blast, and you burn and bludgeon everything
until there’s nothing but ashes! You always say that! You never wanted him here
in the first place. Now he’s gone you’re happy.
That’s fine. As long as you’re happy. As long as you’re happy
everything’s fine. – Fran!
– Bernard. I don’t think I wanna see you
for a while. Forgot my bag. Without him it’s just a yo! You’re a slave –
slave in Ben Hur movie. Good, good. Try a maid – family maid. French maid in, er,
black and white film. That’s good, good! Come on, Manny, come on,
give me more! More maid, come on! Good. Turn around! Yeah, uh…
Something’s not quite right. It’s too Merchant-Ivory. What can we… what can we do? Yeah, I know – undo the… buttons on your shirt there. – What?
– The buttons, take them down. Oh, er… Er, no, I don’t think… – Come on, don’t be shy. Come on.
– No, l-I’d rather not. OK. You’re maybe not as professional
as I thought you were. No, I mean… Um… – Mm-hm.
– Like this? That’s good, that’s… One more. Yes! That’s it! That’s good!
Good, come on! Grr! – Grr.
– Yes, yes, yes! Manny, stick with me and I’ll
make you a star, you know? The hairiest star…
in the whole Milky Way! (# Spandau Ballet: Gold) # Gold! # I’m glad that
you’re bound to return # Something I could have learned # You’re indestructible # Always believe in… # (Laughing) Check, please. What’s going on? Who’s this? Is no one. Is Maurice. Maurice, wait outside. Manny, I want to introduce you
to some good friends of mine. This is Mr Akira, Mr Akenzo,
Mr Kahie. (Speaks Japanese) Uh, Manny, I got
some work to do tonight so, uh, why don’t you go out
and have a few drinks with Mr Akira? – A few drinks? Who is he?
– He’s a very nice man. Go out, have a few drinks,
smile, laugh at his jokes, then maybe you go to casino…
Oh, very important – to bring him luck let him touch your
beard before he throw the dice. – Why does he want me to go?
– He see your picture. He see your picture and he go crazy!
“I want him!” He said that. Where did he see my picture?! – In a magazine, I told you.
– What magazine? What?! What’s…?! I never posed for this –
you never told me about this! – I told you when you were out!
– You didn’t! Are you arguing with me?
You think these clothes are cheap?! This food?!
This is how you appreciate me? I tell you, I grew you like a flower! And now you must-a bloom! (Speaking Japanese) Look, there is no way I’m going
to the casino with this man. Come on, it’s just a bit of gambling,
a few drinks, then… make sure he gets back
to his hotel safely. (Snorts) What…! I…! There is no way
I’m going to the casino, all right?! Now, you have given me
everything that money can buy, yes. I’ve slept on satin sheets, I’ve eaten crinkle-cut chips
from a silver bowl, I’ve been driven
all over town in minicabs, but there’s some things
that money can’t buy, like the love I found in
a little bookshop off Russell Square. Yes, love. Well, not love
so much, more… freedom, you know… Well, not really freedom,
more a largesse of heart. Er, not really largesse of heart
or freedom or… or love, but I was never
contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen. And that is something! Something that no amount
of spaghetti bolognese and drinks with umbrellas in can buy. So there’s no way I’m
going to the casino. No way. Never! (Footsteps) Hello. H-hello. – Sorry I’m late.
– No, you’re not late. No. – Shall I…?
– You don’t have to, no. – I don’t mind…
– It’s up to you. (Both muttering) Morning, Bernard. Morning, Manny. (Both) Morning. (Gasps) Oh, my God! – What?
– Oh, God… Mickey Rourke had another facelift.
He looks like his trousers. God, look at him. Manny, can I borrow
your corkscrew, please? Subtitles – Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy – Part of the [RL] Crew