Jack Churchill and a Live Studio Audience: Citation Needed 6×01

Jack Churchill and a Live Studio Audience: Citation Needed 6×01

October 21, 2019 100 By Kailee Schamberger


This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re
playing ‘Citation Needed.’ Joining me today, he reads books y’know,
it’s Chris Joel. “Hello, I’m Chris Joel,
Christ College Oxford, reading references to surfing in the early
King James Bible.” Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan. So, the vicar, with a sickly smile,
shook hands with the monkey and could never look a banana
in the face again. And the bounciest man on the internet,
Matt Gray. Hello, live studio audience! In front of me I’ve got an article from
Wikipedia and these folks can’t see it. Every fact they get right is
a point and a ding, and there’s a special prize for particularly
good answers which is: And today we are talking about Jack Churchill. Is this the method by which one would raise
a wartime prime minister? I’m glad that’s the version of the verb
you went with there, Gary, that could’ve been a lot worse. I’ll be honest, it was the flip of a coin
and I went with the clean one. The thought of Churchill being raised
ever so slightly. “Yes, you may check my undercarriage for
wear and tear.” No, it’s for when he needs to seem more
authoritative. “Oh s***, he’s a lot shorter than Stalin!” “We shall fight them on the beaches.” “In the fields.
And in the street.” – “Enough!”
– “And in the treetops.” I just like the idea that
Churchill is now just sat about 6ft above everyone else in a chair that
he can’t possibly get down from. At which point there’s a beeping noise and
Stalin comes in on a cherry picker. It explicitly says, at the end of this article, “Of no relation to Winston Churchill.” Well, there you go, that’s our first five
minutes completely redundant. Is it that nutter who tried to fight
World War 2 with a claymore? Episode over. Sorry guys. Goodnight, thank you very much for coming… You say episode over, but there is a heck
of a lot more to this story going on here. A claymore is a proximity triggered- No, it’s a hand-and-a-half Scottish sword. Oh, a sword? – Yes.
– Oh. I mean, a claymore is a mine as well, but
this is- Okay, a different type of claymore. Yes, as in “Scottish Clans-man!” “I will see off the entire continent”
and that was basically his remit. That was what he went into the war to do. Wow. Where do you think he was born? Not Scotland. Not Scotland, you’re absolutely right, he
was born in Ceylon. Okay, Sri Lanka. Actually, you say drafted, he joined of his
own accord in the 1920s. Mainly because there weren’t enough things
to cut up in Ceylon! Well, yes, he left the army in 1936. Because there was not enough fighting. He then worked as a few other things. What might that be? One is a phrase I wouldn’t associate with
the 1930s, of a job for a… a strapping young lad. – Chef. – IT technician. I was going to say… Operative of a mildly successful nail bar. “A little bit off the top? Right!”
“Whoa!” Male model. – Really?
– I can see that. He also used his archery and bagpipe talents to play a role in a film called
‘The Thief of Baghdad.’ – Eh?
– With bagpipes? With bagpipes. ‘The Bagpipes of Baghdad’? Was it really ‘The Thief of Bagpipes’? He won second place in the military piping
competition at Aldershot Tattoo. – But that was cake-making…
– Was that like cakes? Jinx! Are you going to ice a cake with bagpipes? Yes, you can do five bits at a time if you
blow hard enough. He also represented Britain at the
World Archery Championships. With the sword? Where he also used the bagpipes. No, this was a longbow. Of course, it would be. The Second World War breaks out… And he decides not to bring the longbow because
it’s impractical. Wrong. Really? He brought the longbow? “Hi, can I help? I’ve got one of these!” He really was going to party like it was 1399
wasn’t he? He was with the Manchester Regiment in France
and ambushed a German patrol. How did he give the signal to attack? Did he just scream and run? Not this time. I’m going to give you the point
because, yes, he did that plenty of other times but not
this specific time. He was in command of the troops, how did he give the signal to attack? Did he have his bagpipes with him? A quick parp on the high notes, yeah. With the drone beneath. That’s not the skill he used here. Flaming arrows! I’m going to give you the point, he killed an enemy sergeant with the longbow. Oh boy! Not with the arrow, with the bow. Yeah, with the stringy bit first. Like cheese wire. To use the technical term,
“the stringy bit of the bow”. The last recorded person ever killed during
wartime with a longbow and arrow was that German sergeant. Now, I’ve just noticed something, this man seemed to have a penchant…
is that the word? For running into battle and screaming. He managed to go into several battles… Many battles. Without dying? Yes. Yeah, but with the longbow you are quite a
way back. Norway, 1941, landing craft on a raid on a
German garrison. I mean, paint me a picture. What…? I’m thinking night-time, I imagine. Now, you see, it’s the point of when he starts playing
the bagpipes. “Franz, vat is zat coming from over ze ocean?” Sorry, worst accent in the world there. And the wheel spins and lands on Norway! Would that be the Boulogne part of Norway
you’re doing there? Yes, it’s the German garrison out of France… Fair play. Would you do it over the ocean or would you wait until the landing craft
had silently approached the beach with the whistle of the wind through the trees as the clank of the metal as it hits the beach,
suddenly… You’re nearly right. Yes, he leapt forward from his position,
playing on his bagpipes, before throwing a grenade
and running into battle. This man is a hero! Oh, if you’re going to do anything. Just the thought, just to be inside his head as he approached the beach with the bagpipe
ready to go and the grenade pin in his hand thinking, “Yeah, we’re going to do this.” Again! “This is my time”, for the fifteenth time. If that was me I’d pull the pin,
drop the bagpipe, and then there’d just be a parpy explosion. You say he threw a grenade, did it hit anything
or did he throw it by mistake? It’s not recorded here, I don’t know. What a hero. So we’ve had France, 1940, Norway, 1941,
where was he in 1943? Italy. Correct. He’s got some good airmiles hasn’t he? Did they drop him in? Not sure you get airmiles
on the army’s flights. I’ve seen a video of a bagpiper in a parachute. It was… That was so close. I’m going to drink that later, go on… It was in the ’70s. Basically the ‘One Show’ of the ’70s,
‘Nationwide’, did a segment, and I don’t know why because I’ve only
seen the clip itself. There’s a bagpiper, a low altitude plane, he’s got the parachute on one of those cords
that triggers it- Static lines. Jumps out, starts playing ‘Scotland the
Brave’ on the way down. It’s great because he gets in, he gets the
drone on… ♪ Na na na-na na na na ♪ But then it hits the ground. And he cannot do a landing and hold onto the
bagpipes at the same time. No he can’t, you’ve got to flare, you’ve
got to pull down both straps and… If that’s the technical term, so be it. But all I heard was
♪ na na-na urrrk urrrrrrk ♪ as he got dragged along
by the wind on the floor, the mournful parp of an emptying bagpipe. A mournful parp of a bagpipe! This, sadly, was not a parachute. This was a landing site. Was this, again, the same as Norway,
yet slightly sunnier? This was the same as Norway,
yet slightly more. Ohh… What hasn’t he used? Whoa, he has his bow as well? Yes, he had the broadsword, the longbow and
the bagpipes. And the grenade? It doesn’t say. He’s like the people
you get in computer games. “It’s funny because you could never carry
all of these! “How is he carrying all of these? “Where did he get that from? “He was holding a sword a minute ago!” And playing the bagpipes which, again, is a two-handed instrument, let’s not forget. How fantastic would it be if he just had a
batman though? Going back another 50 years where you’d
just have a gentleman’s gentleman with you and just take him on the battlefield, “Broadsword if you would, Jeeves.” “Yes, Sir.” “He’s a little way off. Longbow. Thank you. “No, nothing’s happening. “Bagpipes, we’ll sound some more.” “Number three wood for the grenade.” “Might I suggest the pitching wedge, Sir,
they’re awfully dug in.” Oh, I was thinking more cricket bat. Pitch her up. Thock! Going full zombie into battle! I seem to recall someone saying that the effective
range of a grenade is further than you can throw it. Right, so you do need something like a bat
behind it then? Or you need to chuck it into somewhere and
move out. – You’re chucking it, I’m running away.
– I’ve got the bagpipes. Do you want to bat a grenade? Yes, I reckon I would. “Oh… wait, no!” Extra second on the detonator just for the
pitch up. If you miss it you’re in trouble. Look, I didn’t say this wasn’t one for
the courageous soldier did I? He infiltrated the town… Playing the bagpipes. Not they, he. Hang on, infiltration and this man don’t
sound like words that go together. He was ordered to capture a
German observation post. How did that go? Er, surprisingly well? Yes, I’ll give you the point, he captured
42 prisoners. F***! No one tried to shoot the bagpipes? I’d be honest, it’s not the first thing
you’d- well, I don’t know. It depends how anti-bagpipe you are. If I was there that would be
the first thing I’d go for. You’ve got three bullets, what do you shoot? The bagpipes three times. I can just see the bullet going through and, “Ye shot my pipes.
Now I’m angry!” He wasn’t Scottish! I’m going to point this out. He wasn’t Scottish. Yeah, but they wouldn’t know that. He was captured- Yes. Was he? Do you know the story there? I can only presume that he was captured,
went along willingly, beat all the guards at chess and poker, drank the camp commandant’s rum, then dug his way out with his teeth while
the commandant was passed out, chewing on broken glass
and spitting it at guards before having relations with the entire
female population of the nearest town, lighting a cigarette on the ground,
not even using a match, flipping the V and then walking into camp
and saying, “What have you f***ers been doing?” Tom… Just as a guess(!) Tom, please ding,
for the love of God please ding. It’s not even close but I’m going to give
him a point for it. Crawled under the wire,
through an abandoned drain and tried to walk to the Baltic coast. Ended up being recaptured, escaped again, walked 93 miles to Verona in Italy and met
the Americans there. I bet they were delighted to see him(!) Then continued and went to Burma. Arriving in 1957. By the time he’d got there what had happened? Was the war over? Yes, absolutely right. Oh. That must’ve been very
disappointing for him. I’m going to quote here, “If it wasn’t
for those damn Yanks, “we could’ve kept the war going
another 10 years.” See what you did! You ruined that man’s 1940s. Wow, that is an insight
into his mind isn’t it? Yes. Hang on a minute,
I want to ask you a genuine question, what the frig did he do after the war? Because he is tooled up and angry. Him on the checkout in Sainsbury’s! No, he walked back from Burma to Korea. When that was over he walked to Vietnam. The answer is, and I’m giving you
a retroactive point here Gary… Oh, respective pointage! Because you’ve already said the word, what did he qualify as in the army? Supermarket…? I can’t remember what I said! “You are now a
professional supermarket, sir. “Well done.” Where did that come from? Because I think he said, “Imagine him in
the supermarket” and that’s all that was there, for that brief second, the word ‘supermarket’. Supermarket.
He became a Londis, that’s what happened. Pick a word, any word! He was pulling bottles of wine out from under
the kilt that he’s not wearing. Nail bar?! Parachutist. Oh. There are stories of him
assisting a medical convoy, coordinating evacuations,
all sorts of things like that, and then, coming back to England, went back and made
another appearance in a film. Was he in a Bond film? No, he was in ‘Ivanhoe’. What did he appear as? A bagpipe. Close. A longbowman. Yes, absolutely right. What skill did he pick up in late 1950s Australia? Boomerang wanging? No, no, no, because… Wanging being a very specific word there. I think that ‘that action’
could conceivably be called a wang. Technically it’s ‘boomerwanging’. No, a wang is underarm isn’t it? As in ‘welly wanging’. Ah… Definition of the wang there everyone. The phrase ‘welly wanging’ was just lost on
half the audience. Gumboot throwing if you are
from the home counties. Don’t they have the word welly? I don’t know. It’s a wellington isn’t it? As in, after Wellington, but it also brings me back to the excellently-named 1980s computer company from Oxfordshire, Wang. Oxford United, in the 1980s, were sponsored
by Wang. So, on the front of their shirts, for years
and years, was the word Wang, repeatedly. Late 1950s Australia,
what was being developed there? Surfing. Yes, absolutely right. He became passionate and, I’m quoting here, “Passionate devotee of the surfboard, “one of the first people in Britain to surf.” And, specifically, one of the first people
in Britain to surf what? Severn Bore. Point, you’re absolutely right. That’s the tidal river thing isn’t it? Yes, the tidal surge. Yes, there is a single tidal wave that on particularly strong tides rolls up
the River Severn. And nowadays it’s filled with surfers and
boats and drones flying overhead. It was just this guy on a surfboard. One pissed off guy from Ceylon,
playing the bagpipes, swinging a claymore round his head, having finally conquered another element. Imagine opening your curtains and… “Can you hear bagpipes?”
“I can’t hear bagpipes.” “That’s completely impossible by this
placid River Severn “with the occasional… oh, sweet Georgia.” “Daaaaagh! “Bristol, you’re mine!” Did he end up declaring war on himself? In retirement, it says, his- Retirement! As if he’s going to retire! How is this man going to retire? “…his eccentricity continued.” No way! You’d have thought he’d have settled down. People, when they hit their retirement, they’re
usually so placid. I’ve seen ‘Last of the Summer-’ Was he doing ‘Last of the Summer Wine’
only with claymores? Bathtub. “Aaaagh!” He startled train conductors and passengers- How? By throwing his briefcase out of the train
window each day on the ride home. Why? Did he try and get it in
one of the Post Office nets for the Travelling Post Offices? The what? The way they used to pick up mail
in ye olden days, not the olden days but the days of Travelling
Post Offices, you would have a hook
by the side of the railway line. They would dangle a bag full of mail, at which point the carriage
would come towards it, it had a bit of sticky out net that would
be dropped out at exactly the right moment, would hit the hook, the mail bag would drop
into the net and be sprung into the carriage, at which time another hook would be slung
out from the train with another bag of mail that would be dropped
in the same location, like that. Wow. Precise timing and speed and location. In such a way that they don’t have to stop
to pick up the mail and drop the mail. – Exactly, it just goes.
– The train goes… And then the post has happened! And then the letters be(!) This is the night mail, crossing the border…! Well, that’s the noise of it isn’t it? And suddenly, bag. And in this case, briefcase and claymore, and angry man from Ceylon. He wasn’t trying to get it on the mail pole. He was aiming for a specific target. His garden? Oh, that is amazing. I want to do that on the way home. It doesn’t quite work in the tube but… I was going to say. I was going to say, which really sucked when
he moved to London. He lived to the age of 90. I’m not surprised, who could kill him? Death just walked away. He died in 1996 and was later named one of the finest explorers
and adventurers of all time. By himself. By the Royal Norwegian Explorers Club. At the end of the show, congratulations Chris, you obviously win this one, for the… Yes, you won this one 30 seconds in. “Is that the madman with the claymore?” Yes, yes it is, that’s absolutely right. I’m going to say that’s up there as a
record, it really is. Congratulations, you win two words mixed together by the actor who played Padme
in the ‘Star Wars’ prequels. No! It’s a ‘Natalie Portmanteau’. I like that. With that we say thank you to Chris Joel. Thank you. To Gary Brannan. To Matt Gray. I’ve been Tom Scott and we’ll see you
next time.