The Big Lockout | Black Books | Season 1 Episode 5 | Dead Parrot
THEME MUSIC (Lisps) You reckon they got in
through the back? Yeah, so we reckon
it was drug addicts. Right. Yeah, they took
all the drugs. Yeah, we had a whole
packet of Beecham’s, a bottle of Night Nurse,
it’s all gone. Doesn’t surprise me. From
where I’m standing, there are… ..145 points of entry
into this shop. Are there?
Yeah, try and keep me out. Alright. You see? That’s why you need this. Normally I’m asked to install
this system in zoos. The glass is soundproof. Why do you need soundproofing
in zoos? Well, otherwise the kids start
calling the lions ‘pricks’. Oh, right. It’s a very good system.
You know the CIA? Yeah. They don’t use this system. They’d
probably use something a lot better. Oh, right, right, yeah. Wow. Yeah, ’cause I read something
about the CIA. You know, they’ve apparently got this stationery, right,
looks perfectly normal, but when you write on it,
it dissolves. No, that’s bollocks.
Right, so it’s pretty simple. When you’re going out,
just press 05 for on. And to disarm,
just press 3369885421… (Continues silently) ..3999. You listening to me or what? What? Yeah…uh, yeah. Do you want me
to go through it again? Uh…no, that’s fine. Hi, Bernard! The alarm system’s on. It prevents the door from being
opened unless you put in the code. It makes it more secure. Uh…the glass is soundproofed.
Oh, right. The glass is soundproofed.
The thicker glass… You know what you are? You’re a beard
with an idiot hanging off it. Yeah. BEEPING, HISSING, ALARMS Well, here I am. Listen, your friend here’s got
all the details, so I’ll be off. But certainly remember
the three S’s. The three S’s? Yeah – security, security,
security – three S’s. Oh, I’m sorry,
I didn’t get what you were saying because of your amazing lisp.
Sorry, sorry. So, what did you tell them?
They got in through the back? Yes. Yeah, it wouldn’t do
to let them know we went out and you left the front door open,
would it? Yeah, but what sort of world is it
where you can’t go away and leave the front door open
without getting robbed? It’s this sort of world, Gandalf. Alright, this is the main lock. You arm it by pressing 05. PHONE RINGS
Hang on. Hello? Yes, no,
I am going to pay that bill. I am…yes, I know. Yep…no, I…yep… Excuse me, could you…
hang on…sorry…yes… Oh, you agree completely with
everything I’m saying? That’s terrific. Thank you, ‘bye. How much for these? 40 pounds.
They’re worth more than that! These are good hardbacks –
Tolstoy… I know, I know, I know. But I don’t want them.
I mean, I’ll have to price them then and put them up on the shelves
and store them, and people will come in
and ask about them and buy them and read them and
come back and sell them you know, and the whole hideous cycle will just
go on and on and on and on, you know? Just please, take them away,
go away, no. It won’t work. Here, look, here. Here’s 40 quid.
Just take them away, please. I got it!
Ah-ha! Give, give, give. Oh, my God!
What? It’s Howell. Howell Granger,
I was at college with him. Well, go and say hello.
No, don’t. No, don’t. He confuses me. What? He confuses me.
He’s… he’s a total arsehole… ..but he’s got this voice
and it just does things to me. (Husky voice) Fran? My God, what are you doing here? Howell…hello! I…have a shop. I mean, I work next door. Oh. How…how are you? Oh, I’m great, you know.
Still beavering away on Radio 4. (Chuckles) Yeah. Hey, you look Fran-tastic. You sound well. Oh, thank you. Well, I hope so. I’m doing
the shipping forecast this evening. That’s…good. Well, I suppose I’d better
shuffle off before I buy something. I’m voracious at the moment, Fran.
I seem to be swallowing books whole. LILTING ROMANTIC MUSIC RISES
Seem to be devouring them. I’m ravenous. Anyway…
RECORD SCRATCHES Here’s my number, should you wish
to give me a tingle. (Babbles) Goodbye. Arrivederci, Francesca. Hey, Genghis… It’s your cinema night tonight,
isn’t it? Yeah. I’m going to see
‘Armapocalypse’. Do you want to come?
You know I don’t think I will, no. Fran and I are meeting for drinks,
aren’t we, Fran? Shipping… Trying something new – Absinthe. You know that one?
You know the slogan, ‘the drink that makes you
want to kill yourself instantly’? Looking forward to that eh, Fran? Forecast… Ha-ha! That’s right. Do you think I should wash my beard? I think you should wash it, yeah.
And shave it off. Nail it to a frisbee,
and fling it over a rainbow. Alright, what was the last film
you went to see? Uh…oh, that one, you know,
the astronauts… What, ‘Armageddon’? No, no, before that. You know the one, at the end he goes, “You did it, you finally did it,” and then you see the
Statue of Liberty on the beach. That was the last film you’ve
ever seen, ‘Planet of the Apes’? Yeah. Amazing effects, you know? You really believed
monkeys could have meetings. Yeah. And you’ve not been
to the cinema since then? No, it’s all tossycock. Yeah, but it’s better than staying
in and getting mashed every night, with no company except the dead bees
on the windowsill. I like the dead bees
on the windowsill! At least they don’t go out
and leave the front door open
and get us robbed! Don’t get judgey with me,
Ming the Merciless. Listen, show, what’s the story
with this alarm thing, anyway? How does it work? What do you do? Right, now… You press, what is it, 05 to arm it? Yes. You press 05, and then you
go out and it’ll lock automatically. Alright, OK.
And then when you come back in, you punch in the code
and the lock will open. First question – when I come in? Yes. After I come in? Yes. But how do I get in
through the locked door? Ah! Well, you see,
that’s the clever thing. Oh, right, yeah… Uh…could you repeat the question? I’m outside. Yep.
The door is locked. Right. The keypad is inside, so how can I
possibly get into the building? My fault. Yeah, yeah, I see. Uh…um… Yeah… Uh…the code! Thank you for that.
Sorry to bring this up again – How do I get IN?
The code opens the door! I know the code opens the door! But how do I get in to punch in
the code to open the door? OK. For the moment,
just tell me the code. There was a little man. “There was a little man”,
that’s the code? No, I didn’t actually hear the code because he had a little man
in his hair. Well, the little man in my hair
is getting very, very angry. What are you talking about? He had a Subbuteo player
in his hair, I got distracted! So essentially what we have here
is a security system that doesn’t let anybody
in or out of the building? Yes. Yes, including us! Yes. We’ll get used to it! Oh, right, OK. HOW DO WE GET USED TO IT?!
What’s the problem? Look, it’s very simple! Right. I’m outside… Right. The door is locked… Now basically, what happens now
is that you… ..wait a minute,
I see the problem here. You have to get in
to punch in the code. Right… Is this locked now? I can’t hear you, Bernard. I’ll just
punch in the code and let you in. You can’t…have you locked me out? Just one second. Yes! Yes! You have! I know, it’s annoying. ‘NO CONNECTION’ TONE Fran! (Hums to self) On Radio 4 at 2:30,
and now our weekly visit… ENGAGED TONE Aaaagh! Uh…right, uh… OK, just relax. Relax. I’m starving…where… Ah! Ah-ha! No, no, no! Yuck! Uh…ah! Ah! Ah, right. “When you find yourself
in a desperate situation, “you can find edible grubs or roots. “Even insects can provide
ample nutrition. “It’s vital to stay warm
and have adequate liquid.” Right. “Morale as just as important
as adequate hydration. “You may find it absurd,
but an old-fashioned sing-song “has seen many a lonely soldier
through a long night in the wilds.” (Sings) # I’m in the mood
for dancing # Romancing. # Crunchy. Excuse me, there seems to be
some sort of mistake. I brought a drink and some popcorn,
and now I have no money. That’s how much it costs. Why, is it special popcorn? Does it produce
some kind of dizzying high or… Cola, please. Right, that’s the trap set up. (Slurs)
“Now, wait for rabbit to approach.” What? Rabbit? Where am I gonna get a rabbit? “It is vital to maintain
radio contact. RADIO FLICKS STATIONS MUSIC PLAYS Excuse me, this might sound a bit
funny, but could I please have 10p? You’re joking, aren’t you?
No, please. Please don’t be engaged, Fran. Don’t be engaged. Don’t be engaged… ENGAGED TONE
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO
AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT?! And after the news, the shipping
forecast, read by Howell Granger. Eeep! Nasty night out there.
Yeah, yeah. Freezing, yeah. Wouldn’t want to be stuck out there. A lot of low air pressure, you know, came down from Abernethy or
somewhere like that and was just… Is that right?
Now, what can I interest you in? Oh, yeah…right. OK, I’d like some
hardcore pornography, please. Alright… ..here you are, set in
a women’s prison – 25 quid. Mmm…do you have anything
in a town hall, you know, where the women guess the weight
of the cake and then… No. Got one with nurses. Yeah…what kind of nurses
though, you know? The kind with big tits! What do they do, though?
Are they in administration? That’s the kind of thing
I’d want, really. You know, a lot
of hospital paperwork and stuff. That’s very specific. Yeah, well, you know, just keep
looking, we’ll find something. Can you turn the radiator up? Here you are… ‘Administrative Nurses’, 40 quid. Sorry, I mean to say
SENIOR administrative nurses. That’s the only thing
I’m actually interested in. Could we watch it together? Maybe we could get a bottle of wine
or something… Out! ENGAGED TONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT TAKES THIS LONG? HOWELL: North-west Finisterre… FRAN’S SQUEALS DROWN OUT RADIO Squally showers.
Moderate, becoming good. (Squeaks) Good! (Slurs) Very lonely.
I’m a lonely soldier. Come in. Come in! This is Lonely Soldier! My co-ordinates are… ..book shop! HOWELL: Sole, Lundy,
Fastnet, Irish Sea. Hello? German Bight, southwest,
veering west, 5 to 7, good. Good, good, good, good! And that is the end
of the shipping forecast. No, no, wait, please! Howell, please come back!
Howell! Howell! NEW VOICE: And now,
‘A Book at Bedtime’. Joe Pasquale reads ‘Heidi’
by Johanna Spyri. The pretty little town of Maienfeld lies at the foot
of a mountain range. Aaaagh! Whose grim, ragged peaks…
Aaagh, aaagh! ..behind the town a footpath
winds up to their heights. Aaaagh! Get! Uh, could…does the Mamba Burger
come with zesty cheese? No. OK, uh, then could I have some… ..Hunky Dunkers with barbecue
hunky dunky dip, and a…lucky chocolate milkshake. What size – small, medium,
goliath or god? One Hunky Dunkers,
barbecue hunky dunky dip, and a medium lucky. That’ll be Â£4.99. Um, I’m a little light at the moment. Actually, this… ..this belt is made
from real leather. It’s beautiful. Have a feel. If you’re not eating anything,
you’ll have to leave the premises. THUNDER RUMBLES I will do so immediately, sir. I will do so immediately… ..sir. I will do so immediately, sir. PHONE RINGS
(Breathing on phone) Hello? Who is this? Hello? Is this you, mummy? (Breathing continues) I can hear you breathing,
whoever you are. You’re beginning
to test my patience. I know there’s someone there. Right, that’s it. I’m hanging up.
Don’t hang up, Howell! Fran? Is this you, Fran?
Are you alright? Are you in any pain? Do you want me to come over? (Yelps) I’ll come over, Fran. (Yelps) Do you want me to come?
I’ll come, Fran. (Rapid yelps) I’ll come, I’ll come. (Orgasmic scream) Fran! Fran! My God, what’s happened? Fran? (Normal) Hello, Howell.
Sorry about that. Fran, are you alright? Yes, I’m fine, thank you. I just…I just caught my…
foot in the fridge. Oh. Um… Thanks. Goodbye! (Sighs) Uh, um…
Is it still raining outside? Uh, yeah. Right. Welcome to the thing,
whatever this place is. OK, can I haaaaaaaaaaaaaave… ..uhhhhh… WHAT DO YOU WANT? A Mamba Burger. A Mamba Burger, please. What do they look like? It’s sort of two layers… The wrapper,
what does the wrapper look like? Uh, it’s the red and white, I think. Here, there you go. No, no, no. Just…this one… Alright, there you go. No, no, no. I think that’s it.
(Coughs) It has bacon or something
on the top there. No, that’s not it.
That one is very nice. That’s not it.
Try it, it’s nice. Give it a try. That’s not it!
It’ll be nice, have it. Give me your quid.
Can I get some chips
as well, please? How many? What? Roughly how many? Come on! 40? 1, 2, 3, 4… Right, two quid. Um, and a Diet Coke. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
No, no, no. Coke’s off! Coke’s off.
Here, have some extra chips. Can I have a Mamba chilli dog…
Is it still raining? No. What happened? What happened? Oh, you were burgled again. Huh? There’s nothing left to take.
What did they get? Well, as far as I can make out,
they took the security system. Thank Christ for that. What’s up with him?
He drank all our Absinthe. (Mumbles) I’m a lonely soldier. What are you doing? I’m putting a cold flannel
on his head. Why? They do that in the films. Where were you when I needed you? Oh, yeah, Bernard…
uh, something came…up. I’m so, so sorry. Um, what did you do? Oh, just my usual night out,
you know. Went to see an experimental film
where nothing happened for two hours, hung out with a pornographer,
got a job in a burger bar, you know, the usual. Bernard… What? Bernard, I’m sorry. Forget it. No, there’s another thing. What? (Mumbles) What did you do? (Mumbles denials)
What did you DO?! I ate all your bees! THEME MUSIC Closed Captions by CSI *