The Blackout | Black Books | Season 1 Episode 4 | Dead Parrot
Bernard, Bernard! There you are.
Wait till you hear this. My story goes first know my story first. I’m not backing down. No well neither am I well You know what that means. Count to three. One two three Say ‘peanuts’.
Peanuts – I want Manny in on this. No he’s no good to anybody, he stayed up all night with his birthday present A complete set of The Sweeney and an espresso machine Hello what do me a favor it’s a flaming book shop. Course we got Jane Austen Okay my story imagine yeah, yeah imagine you’re a woman, okay, okay, and now we’re married Okay, and now I imagine you have a boyfriend okay? And now imagine you see that boyfriend with another woman Okay my story. This is Peter we’re talking about. Peter wouldn’t do that to me at you. He’s scum This morning I was getting into the car Just feel soon oh Now my story You know Gerald and Sarah Gerald your friend Friend when I first came to London he he put me up. He let me money. He helped me find a job He helped me find this place. I was I was an incredibly good friend to him and Even though even though I fancied his girlfriend. I did not make a pass at her Well once twice a few times But not after I realized just how angry it made him well once but only because of this okay Well, they invited me to a dinner party, and I went had a good time All right, so I went to the chemist to get some fizzygood.
– you know fizzygood. fizzygood make feel nice Oh, Alka-Seltzer. Completely blank me Maybe he didn’t see you. Could something have distracted him. Like what? gunfire with somebody firing a gun? Let’s see was someone firing a gun? was someone fired? No, I don’t think so. Manny You look like you could use some sleep. Yeah Yeah Yeah in a little bit in a little bit look thing is right this bloke the army right behind me behind me behind me don’t look All right, he’s got a shooter 100 years old You’re wired on coffee and cops And so what so they blanked you so what? So what they blanked me? That’s like an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilized society It’s like it’s like it’s like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post You must’ve done something really awful. Do you think ? You didn’t do that thing. Your belly Savalas thing. No. I didn’t do belly Savalas Burnett being blanked really made you feel that bad. Huh yeah terrible Hmm Manny, get some sleep? What did I do? Think! Enjoy, it’s dreadful, but it’s quite short Manny come over here Do you want a case? I’ll give you a case figure out what I did last night. Okay the dinner party What What Sat on myself All right Let’s start by reconstructing the evening. who else was there? Well Gerald and Sarah obviously What’s their D-40 ? well what Oh Gerald’s a food writer. He had a big hit with that thing. You know basic meals for the ultra-rich and Sarah’s an interior designer. She’s on that program. You know pet surprise Pet surprise Bosa Oh, you know the thing they take the dog out for a walk. He thinks it’s a normal walk, but when they come back The kennel has a patio and French doors Yeah, yeah, and then they take the blindfold off yeah, and he’s like oh my god And there were few other people there, you know the sort of people who talk about salad for five hours, so How much had you had to drink before you turned up? you just assumed I’d been drinking. That’s a crime. I’ve been drinking he just assumed that I would naturally how much a Couple of bottles right. so you’re in a bit of a state. No, I was fine. Come on think Is this yours oh yes Misunderstand you know she’s young Frank keep it indoors You see what you did you made the police come to their house oh There’s more oh god Bernard look at you. I’m a happy-go-lucky scrump It’s wizard gifts as always You’re very early Bernard. Oh Oh, you’re in the gym. Oh, don’t you? I’m not sure. What do you do? Know he’s our son. Oh, thank god. Oh Yeah Yeah Here we go thank you take it now Now Actually, Jim, can I have that back? Shh. So Jim have ever told you about the old country? The songs, Jim. Oh, they’d melt your face. Live in a shoe on North Street. I’m a prostitute from Newry. A child involved somehow. I bet you he’s done something and pinned it on me It’s always the children isn’t it burning? Manny if you have one more sip of coffee I Got it And my keys! My house keys, they were in it.
How will I get into my house without my keys? It was a plainclothes policeman? Yes. Bernard No questions, okay, can you do my shoelace? no, can’t do, neck face? What happened to you what happened to you no, no you first No, come on. Are you the next Bond villain? You look like you should have “Dorset-five miles’ written on you come on you tell me tell me Don’t mind this. It’s a very dull story come on. No. No you first come on. Tell me no Tell me tell me Okay, okay You remember this morning when I was telling you about seeing Peter with that girl mm-hmm Well, I couldn’t get it out of my head so I shut the shop went down the beauty parlor and Got myself done When the next thing who walked by the window, but Peter Then I suddenly remembered what you said about the awesome power of the blank, and I knew I might not get a second chance So you dealt with this in a mature, reason Shut up. Fran Fran Fran You were knocked down so that’s how you got this that’s not how I got this way. I got this what? No, it’s too embarrassing come on. You next what happened to you. Well I was Yeah, yeah hello Raiders You’d just better watch it. Well. I’ll be down your manner with all the other policemen And we’ll arrest your arse Bye Yeah, before him I want some coffee. No. No I’ve got to go no no no wait a sec we need you look I’ve got a favor to ask We got someone in it wasn’t turning over as quick as we thought real villain could you sit in on the interview hey? Hey, what’s with the? face fungus undercover undercover work Got a blend in with her with a heavy metal group who stole some furniture bastards No no I can’t I really can’t they need me back on the job. hang on a minute who’s your governor? I’ll ask oh Okay so far we’ve been going at him hard. It might be time he found that sympathetic. ear he was looking for. I’m nasty you’re nice, okay What? you know? Oh Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was Making a police joke Yeah, right yes, sir Barry by the way Carter Carter Will let him sweat it out for a few minutes all right All right after you left, I remembered something about the dinner party I did do belly Savalas What I can’t hear you, belly Savalas Who loves you, baby? But I also realized that it wasn’t Belly Savalas that upset them it was something else something much much worse oh You didn’t do Cobumbo, did you? no, I didn’t have any cigars All right, so you were not done even though it wasn’t really badly hurt. I had to go to hospital for checks and Peter insisted on coming with me okay, and so I was still blanking him in the ambulance How do you blank somebody in an ambulance come on friend keep your eyes fixed on Mike? Did you ever get to tell him why you were blanking him? I certainly did I spent some time explaining in very clear terms Why he was a scumbag and the fancy lady he was with Was a slut It was a sister Yes He was comforting her Just lost her job Ah, he won’t be seeing you again. He says he wants to see other less mad women All right, that’s me. Now you come on. I want to know how you became the little teapot Manny where is he? I’m nasty you a nice, all right Nogsy You missed me yeah, I was just sitting here thinking ‘When’s Inspector Norris coming back?” Oi! Smart lip doesn’t work with me, Nogsy. Smart Nick doesn’t work with me knock see I don’t react well to it now you best start giving me something solid or I’ll feed you to the Sharks You have beautiful eyes You’re going away knock do you understand me? This is the end of the line? Do you think it’d be really naughty if I phoned up the Hong Kong kitchen got a sauce and crispy duck Listen you better speak up or else we’ll be talking to your missus. Oh How’d you like that family man? Hey when all this is blown over let’s go and see “Les miserables’ Have you been at the zoo Sir what’s going on? Listen I don’t know what the hell you’re doing but seems to be working. He’s getting shaky I’ll let you take over offer him a deal. What sort of deal. I know you call it. Well. Don’t give away too much He’s looking at two years minimum. I’ll be back in ten what? Ten minutes Oh Right I’m locking the door, Nogse. he doesn’t open again until you give my partner something – I’m not a policeman! – What? I’m not, I’ve just had too much coffee! What are you talking about? – What’ll I do? – I want Norris back. No respect no so I’ll talk to him I talking to you I knew I’d done something heinous, so I thought the hell that I’ll go and see Gerald and Sarah What do you want, I just want to say, I’m sorry, I’m very very sorry well, please accept my gifts Maybe then we could clear the decks somehow and and and you could actually tell me what it what it was that I actually Did Fran Well Just one copper trying to make a difference Fell off the chair to some extent You know Barry I’ve been doing this job 20 minutes years since I was 15 You know it doesn’t get any easier, so that’s why I’ve made my decision to retire. That’s right Barry I’m retiring. Nogse was my last case. I’ve had under percent success rate. I’m only getting older and slower It’s time for this old warhorse to be put out to pasture I mean I’ve been on the job nearly 20 years – and I can honestly say you are the best bloody copper I have ever worked with Okay fair enough yeah What you did you mean you don’t remember Not as such. No. You don’t remember standing up and asking for about the hundredth time where the toilet was drunk out of his skull He stood up he went to the toilet, and you’ve gone an awful long time Get him out get him out get him out out. I know, gethim out now. I’m sorry Can I ask you a question what you know the tang and the Tang that cleans these tanks they detain cleaner Why is that in your bathroom? I’m not Coco Chanel or anything, but I think that’s a bit weird Erm, Bernard. Why don’t I um call you a cab? I don’t want a cab. It’s only half one. Hey listen Why do you have a toaster in your bath? We haven’t got a toaster in our bathroom well Just put a lock on the door anyway because I was in there I was on the toilet and everything Little Jimmy comes in, he’s drinking milk from the fridge, and that’s all wrong. It’s unhygienic And what were you thinking what would come through your brain when you thought oh, yeah, I’ll buy a wicker toilet All right, so I go to the toilet in your wicker chair. It’s a faux pas I thought I drank all the booze or something. You did drink all the booze. Look at Jimmy What He looks surprised. All children look surprised. Everything’s new to them. I don’t like the way that he he he smokes Leads up to something I’ve never said this before because I was being nice, but your son has the the cold dead eyes of a killer I Mean I come to your house I bring a bottle of wine you brought a policewoman policewoman bottle of wine and the point is I made an effort and You know okay? I’m slightly indiscreet, and I’m sorry I am but you you blanked me so So, what well I think I deserve an apology.
OUT! All the way across town to apologize. I don’t even have a how to prepare for a taxi back I Behaved with dignity and honor and grace. I’m the bit upset now. So why were you embarrassed to tell me? oh well. I fell you know it was so undashing and of course going to the toilet through a chair. Well. We’ve all been there What happened to you oh I’ve had some day What happened ?well it started off What about you? That was a particularly bad one